The War Inside

It comes like a rushing wind

A kind of right, okay-ish disguise

At first harsh, but then sweet-talks its way to have you finally deranged

Cravings for my surrender whilst the thoughts remain- they spiral, whine and complain

debating the risk of believing I’ll fail

It creeps, then it haunts

proclaiming that ‘I WILL finally give in’!

 

You think you have it tamed,

has me singing as I attempt to calm the raging tornado that shall not be named

waging, screaming inside

But It always shows it’s debility; you will notice its dread

Keeping secrets, forging ties, Masking tapes covering the lies

 

It’s been a while now. Yet it will not wail retreat.

There are no escapes here; no time for recess- only lay low and hope it wont repeat

So! who makes the rules and tells the tale of what your life should aiming-ly obtain?

whilst the mind proceeds to whine and complain

 

Surely there should be peace here…

but the mind is unchanged. It’s habits remain the same

The words parked on my throat as my heart discerns the convoy that’s brought.

The Mind infused with regret.

And the lie breeds, it stays, it disguises and enslaves.

 

The voice grows in height

demands that I will not taste freedom; only brokenness and defeat; that I am unloved, and should  detest all that is right

This is the war narrated in ancient books.

The frantic escapes from memories that are looped by trauma’s past

it’s the looks that dare to deny the Truth standing right in front

Revealing the atrocious image of what’s always been inside

 

All along, it always seemed clear whose side i’m on- and who my heart will passionately defy: The one who was dethroned and cast down from on high

 

I remain appalled at my feeble mind

How can I forsake my Love, and choose to dance along with the night?

Wait! This is not the original plan i loved and committed to with all my might

This war is rough; it leaves you faithless with no sound mind, or refuge for all deafening regrets

Hiding the exchange made at midnight for ease with shrills and rampant revolts

Yes! it was at night when my thoughts met his.

When light seemed to have dimmed, and Truth hushed silent by the pain that results.

 

Embracing the bruised esteem and defiled eyes.

They behold the venom from the mouth’s lies. Don’t forget the bruised limbs that keep trying to stay the course

Tired, limping, searching for a shadow of ease

For the deceiving mind to finally show remorse… Just a glimpse of release

In search for hope as i stare at my fragile, weak opinion.

Silence became my new delight, the one I swore to, that one I will not deny.

 

Well! this war though, it is indeed rough

I may just have to age, with wrinkles making waves on my shivering, cold skin

But finally in the end, Although the drain and the apologies persistent on end

The Voice, so still and gentle

Responds with care that Actually, I May just win

Flashbacks of victories from before come declaring that there’s reason to choose this Life; to choose today and everyday,

The Voice who’s future is bright. Brighter than the sun’s brightest shine.

 

I must admit it takes a while,

but once Truth is given its mic, it assures all doubt and obscurity

Silencing the critical selves with All Authority 

I’m appalled! Flabbergasted!

That the Truth, Way and Life, can silence it All at once.

 

Finally! I Rest.

I lay my head peacefully-tucked into love.

My bed is delicately made.

All thoughts surrendered to God

 

“Lord, it is not I; It is this woman you gave me”

The voice walked the garden in search for us,

That place hidden in love, it was tailored and planned for us,

Him whose name is Holy, I never thought we’d trade His word for lies

We laid that day, together convincing ourselves we’ll hide

Flesh of your flesh! you summoned me to be yours

for love’s sake we fought

yet it was I to blame, it was all my fault

 

In the beginning, you led me strong

There was nothing shady, nothing wrong

I even trusted you’d see that I’m Yours,

to see how I am well suited, fit for you

But You chose the cowards’ way,

Oh! We killed us Adam, by choosing our own way

 

I am Bruised flesh, yes, but still Your flesh

You had an exchange with serpent that day

Convinced you that I was to be betrayed

Perhaps serpent said you’d be pardoned, or even better rewarded

If you placed the blame on me instead

But Oh! I broke that day, so my heart remained guarded

 

Bone of your bones!

I remember your gaze

You had the stench of betrayal surrounding your smile

with the apple still stuck on your throat

you denied me as your wife,

and now… we behold all that calamity has brought

From that day I died, and I die still everyday

 

Stripped off my glory I wait,

Praying that Yahweh will present me to you again

to put you back to sleep again

and have you see my wonder through His eyes

Flesh of your flesh!

Adam, You denied me again.

 

You look at me through pains eye

I wish I could caress, and nurse your wounded strength and perverted mind

To revive your broken ego and tired brisk

I am betrothed to fear and dread tonight

Lest my heart in your hands is a risk

 

Your eyes remain layered with peril

For you do not see me as good

Please weep with me today

Please allow my death to cause remorse

To have you turn to Mercy’s Face and stay

 

I am flesh! Today Adam, I bleed

I wouldn’t have to bleed

If only you knew to kneel

to surrender to the one who’ll heal

To the One who’d help you lead

Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones

PLEASE! Do not Lord over me!

Hidden Parts

 

A stranger in these parts,

A walk so graceless and unkind

Alertly reverting back to the familiar, just a moment to unwind

She knows in her heart, these parts are the darkest kind

 

The road smells of pain, with cold-like breeze blowing her back unavoidably

sensing the void, as though peace had left indefinitely

It is best to look down, so no one spots the sobbing

Lest they see through her, see how she is now left with empty

 

Masked tears fill up, with ocean-like waves cascading,

So unrestrained,

Recognizing swiftly how indefensibly she now behaves

In these parts,

All beat up and dry, no more faith-like remarks

 

Hearing tales told with broken rhymes,

Even to Her they sound just like lies

Echoes heard from corner paths, sounds of footsteps behind her rise

Still she demands silence instead, for at least then judgment is mild

 

In these hidden parts,

Light breaks briskly through the dark

A flash light from down the road she beholds

But pride weaves onto her face, proclaiming in agony “I will not yield”!

 

In the meantime love songs from within her erupt; she hears a familiar tune, a gracious melody

A knowing in her spirit that she belongs somewhere else,

She will sing the song till the chorus part,

Love will resolve her parts, relentlessly, it will pursue through the dark

 

The enemy keeps lurking, begging for a chance to deceive her heart,

Her and all the fired-up, devoted ones

He lulls her into staying, a somewhat benevolent charge to run the streets

All her favourite things he promises to appease

Staring, he spoke with an accent heavy with lies

She looked and saw that silence betrayed her again,

and so she remembers and chooses to rise

 

Memories of joy flashing back to mind

What optometry! There lies the broken crown

Laying with shredded pieces of God’s word

Faith had long left the yard, it was burnt profound

And so a praise song is sung once again, to remind the heart to stop-

to ponder upon His grace

 

Love letters written again, so the soul is no more bereft

Whispers in the dark become silenced to death; utterly obliterated

In God she’s revived, celebrated and safely kept

All glory to Jesus, Everything is put in place

 

Revealed parts are subject to light

In secret she knows she dies,

Now walking in the light, gazing upon the glorious shine found on the shore,

 

Overcome by her true smile…

She will never again conceal!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summoned

 

Let praises rise, Let the trumpets sound

For they that revere the Lord, the upright and noble have come

Dressed in fine linen, their garment so white and bright

Come forth oh Woman! you who with her tears bathe the young men and women stricken and drenched in sin,

they long for better days…for a rather kind gaze

Come forth oh Man, bearing the strength and valor of Kings.

With your pursuit you chase the sun to the dusk, and watch with tireless eyes at the stars as they shine even in the dark

You call on the morning like a sure prophet

believing God’s word, even to the very end of days

With a lullaby she sings to the night so dark, her young find comfort

True strength is her garment; she wears it day and night to stand for what is right

He also makes way, son of Adam. He looks up now even after the fall.

lifting his hands as though beholding glory’s sight

He stretches and returns to his backbone

He is taught to love her again… Eve his first love, even Eden is yet to tell of their mirrored devout.

Together they renounce injustices preying on the weak

Summoned to Fight!

They are the Lord’s delight.

In the Morning as she wakes, she utters peace from her careful warm lips

Jesus the perfect gentleman and friend;

HE is her guide.

Oh, What wisdom proceeds him. like one who was taught by the Lord all night long

They both glow like the sunrays of the dawn

preparing the day like those with purposeful Strive.

They hush the storms inside.

Saying to the little ones; broken and bruised for what their fore fathers have done

Hush little ones, it will be all right…

Hush! Young lad, for every harm inflicted and influences imposed that take away your peace in the night;

for the abuse you have suffered and had to endure

God has never left your sight.

Woman rise to your feet! Acknowledge the righteous seed you carry in you womb

Such dignity you so heavily possess

Come forth Hannah, you are no longer barren.

Sing your praises now, go on! Mourn no longer, for God has heard your cry.

Your intercessions have not been in vain.

Rise mighty men! once cast down but now made strong in Christ

draw your swords once more

Your rider leads you forth

Hush! For every pain felt and every head bowed unto God and sorrows felt…

God is your Comforter.

He is your Joy.

Make way to the throne, The King calls you FORTH.

Await Further Instruction…

 

“Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord” [Psalm 27:14, ESV]

Even in this time, God has made known to us His plan to be in covenant and in relationship with Him. It is for this reason that His pursuit of us is endless, tireless and without doubt. His perfect love continues to inspire us and generations to come to follow after His lead and also to learn patience – to wait for God even in the darkest of moments. The Lord has prompted my spirit to learn to search motive and the intent of my willingness and reasons to serve. It should be easy to respond to this, as I have mentioned the love of God being the primary factor propelling a reciprocal reaction. However, I submit to you that it is all the same more intentional, needing a committed and purposeful reaction. For we do not believe and fight blindly, rather we are careful to listen to the strategy God encourages us to adopt.

Indeed, God is the one to teach us to live patiently, loving and merciful with Himself and in fellowship (see Galatians 5:22). Yet, there is a stage of mature walking with Lord, where we begin understand and grasp the reason for Christ’s demonstration of His love; His sacrificial motif of pursuit and also the selfless nature of His servant leadership. We are to not only adhere to His call as the body of Christ, but furthermore, we need to pray for understanding and wisdom do remain rooted in Love. This is what makes covenant relationship in marriage so imperative. It not only challenges both individuals to live selflessly in love and respect for one another, but it reveals (hopefully through the Holy’s Spirit’s leading) reverence and honour of the covenant relationship dedicated to God.

There’s an urgency to implore ‘Kingdom-mindedness’ in all things relational. I argue that we need the Holy Spirit to teach us this discipline; we need His counsel and non-judgemental chastisement in love to reveal to us our true character. In so doing we are able to clearly see where we lack in grit, stewardship and character. Scripture makes it clear to us that the reason we continuously fail is because we do not acknowledge Him who is fully capable and mighty. (Psalm 30:6) We also fail because we think we can make it without Him- ‘Hilarious truth and trap we constantly find ourselves falling into’. We have the aid of the Spirit of God for the mere reason that righteousness (Being in right standing with God) can only be attained through Jesus Christ alone. I pray that in understanding this we can swallow our pride and repent! To see Him (the one deserving of the Glory) allowing Him to make us, by His Spirit worthy and able to obey.

Having said that, it is with great conviction that I implore you to submit God; the one who ‘knows the end from the beginning’. Focus should be placed back on the Master, who by His own spirit has called us to rule and conquer. Not to be reactive out of fear, as though we have no Maker who died to demonstrate His undying Love for us- Rose again to stare passionately at us in the face to confess His admiration fervently. What benevolence and grace! He is the perfect gentleman. And so in knowing this reality, we must have patient hearts. Being rooted and not wayward, tossed to and fro without direction like nomads.

Believing that His perfect love can never fail should lead us to wrestle with the silent, awkward moments of the ‘wait’.   Waiting! With hearts full of faith and a readiness to pray, ALWAYS!  It is the waiting period that will reveal how much faith we have to believe His word. The waiting reveals our maturity and ability to remain faithful. The church of Christ has become distracted by so much; by the ‘busyness’ that steals and diminishes our savoured moments with the Lord. In our attempting ‘religious comebacks’ to life’s eminent predicaments, we show to be unfit for battle (having plastic swords) and a broken shield as we fail to remain true in the ‘working out of our faith’. The Christian journey does not have the luxury to pretend, whilst people remain in dire need for Truth (Jesus) – we cannot ‘not’ care.

The sooner we realise that principalities and forces of darkness are never intimidated by the religious acts we do, but rather they wail and tremble before authentic worship in Truth (which is consistent); The more calmer we will become, knowing that we can construe the idea that we never labour for ‘right standing with God’- rather, we receive it through Grace, by faith in our Lord Jesus. Therefore, brethren  we have exhausted every excuse that ever existed for us to not take position and  ‘watch and pray’ as the True church of God ought to; called in such dark times to be the light that we are so rightfully are; to WAIT for God to lead us to the next step.

Waiting patiently for further instruction; Jesus, our King and Saviour …

To Him is all glory that’s due His name.

 

 

So, you’re really gone…?

It’s been a while now

Since I’ve thought of you

Maybe I do every second,

There’s just insufficient expression of emotion

System’s interrupted, it pains to go on

I know my smile makes you glad- So I force it out, but it never last for long

 

Death robbed me of you; your face always eased my load

Like a thief in the night, breath failed to come through

Left you hanging, waiting for oxygen to bend over – and consider you again

The room all the more cold

I missed the class that teaches ‘logic and faith after a loved one passed’

 

But it will get better, the nights will be more polite, I was told

Laying every piece, broken, So God can gently mold

A delicate design, strong yet so easily made fragile

I was still trying to find words, to fully express my love for you

I guess my search was cut too soon

 

Searching for words outside my own vocabulary,

But nothing comes close, it’s only a few

Attempts to define the brokenness inside, Even I can’t stand the view

So I mellow over the speech I was yet to recite, with you I never had to gloat

Like a broken record, repetitions of sorrow erupting… playing the same note

 

Interrupted, abruptly

In the middle of a sentence, there’s no more courage to verbalize

Tongue twisters tormenting like twirling tornadoes

My speech deformed, I try to speak… I swear I do

To recall the poetry you recited

Sounds of love

 

So be calm my deranged tongue, God will give speech therapy

He visits often my lonely isle and lain

I will speak normal again

 

The illness is caused by the unspoken thoughts meant for you

I am so sorry my heart failed to speak

For every heart beat, may heaven translate to you…

Decoding alien sounds my brain often transmits.

So, no more running into unforgiveable walls

Commitment to pretences always led to lament-full calls

Pointless bargains with imperfection,

The awful justifications over misguided thoughts

 

I know I will hurt for some time still,

Even as Heaven is now your home,

But see my heart struggles to let you go

 

I pray,

That I may embody your lessons, inherit your laugh

Mirrors tell that you’re right in front of me,

They whisper the close resemblance I have of you

So I see me… And there YOU are

Low budget remix of God’s story for us.

Christ will see me through

He is the perfect fit and absolute likeness of us

 

So there’s hope you see!

 

I remember you today,

Even as pain shouts louder than my skewed vocabulary

Hands raised, knees bent, head bowed

…The creator brings strength!

Interlude

I lie here and wait

As you fashion my heart to receive

The great things you prepared, laid on your table

Setting aside all wicket seeds

Expose of it, letting love in righteousness meet all needs

 

The eyes lifted, longing to see face to face

To bring the heart to where you reside

To the table you have prepared,

and all that you put in place

Joy breaking forth, lungs full of His breath…

I pause, And realise His warm embrace

 

Bring me close, to feel the warmth of the sun-kissed face

Breaking all walls, till I hear His heart’s cadence,

Rhythm so profound, undeniably nourishing to the soul

My own voice sings in tune with yours, in this Interlude

Clothed with grace…

The nightmare silenced

 

Visions of glory, filled like a canopy

Befalling the bride, she is readied for the King

He is Coming!

Ravished by faithfulness, She knows His integrity

He’s word is Life

Past remembrance, with flashbacks of captivating truths

Words narrated by the bruised body He endured

He lured her profusely beautiful, closer to the throne

 

Pause effects abound

Surrendered thoughts, to Him who is far beautiful than the sunset

Apart from Him life is a lonely grave

The accusers flee, the splendour of glory intensifies

Laying here, waiting

 

Like a betrothed, faithfully awaiting the Perfect one

Him who won her heart

through sweet sayings composed in heavenly genius

Faithfully waiting,

Reciting vows to express this love that daily expands

In the meantime, song and dance in worship

The groom will come, He’s punctual

I will be ready!

Sweet Silent Thoughts

 

In the back door of my mind

The unconscious conspires

Showing secrets, I pinkie promised the heart not to tell

Physiologically convinced- there needs to be rest, from all misguided emotions

The heart ‘ever longs, to stop the acidic drops of rains

They ruthlessly destroy my shell

The tears gather to make a well- Started as puddles, but even then I fell

 

Exhausting rumblings causing the heart to pause,

Cardiac arrests contained, the ego won’t relent…shows no remorse

Surgeries pending… avoided till sanity is resumed

But the antidote is in the commune, and to adhere to His laws

Sweet- nothing whispers cannot erase what the carnal mind concocts

Nor the monstrous heartless ways and debts I could never repay

 

In the silent thoughts,

The weight of the pain is lessened

And rich tapestry created in glorious waves

Chasing the abyss away, it’s never nothingness or entropy

In Love I’m undone- I would know this every time if only I’d listen

 

Gruesome addictions erased, His perfect truth unchanged

Passion ignites, from all past things sought- joy is engraved

Movement and rhythm, synchronized with that of the angels

A familiar song sung, for a minute the pain is bearable

Summoning of past remembrance, mind is secure knowing God is able

All fear dismissed, the environment is friendly

Cherubim surrounding, playing a graceful melody

 

Sweet thoughts arise, all painted and weaved in song

Love crowds the pain, utterly outnumbered

Stifling even the roaring of family feud

Deeper into deep I fall, into the pool of Holy

 

Enter in with Heaven’s renown in mind,

In the sweet silent thoughts,

future and present, love and glory collide

Safe Haven

When all else would fail

I see your light shine so bright, it could never fade

Heaven summons my heart,

and all thoughts surrendered and laid

To notice the one close, anyone who hurts

To guide the plans untapped that lurks

 

He breathes peace into the anxious soul

And leads to a place where victory knows no defeat

Precept upon precept, paving the way

with so much conviction I could never wail retreat

Heaven is here; body, mind and spirit gather

they congregate to behold the splendour of the King

 

My broken heart rendered; piece by piece, each one out of rhythm

That is my offering, with a broken will to match it- I offer it all to Him

I come to find His counsel, to usher strength into my weary soul

I wonder if this breaking would ever give a moment

to gently gasp for air, just for a while

Like rose petals fall as temperature rise, every wall built

on pride, jealousy and greed; falls at the presence of God’s holy grit

 

God’s perception and definition is absolute and true

Understanding is poured down like rain

flooding over all obstacles we tried by all means to construe

BEAUTIFUL, ENOUGH, WORTHY… words echoed into our very being

The King is mesmerized by our existence, He’s constantly amused

 

Bringing clarity to blind sight

His gentle storm is never overbearing

 

His word is light

every uttered word glows in the dark

And every thought raised up against the  knowledge of who Christ is

will be cast down low, and informed of who the one in control really is

Our perfect peace in tribulations, Christ

Our Safe Haven!

 

 

 

 

I Saw Her Today

She paints her eyes and covers the bruise with grey

Her mother told her ‘STOP’! You can’t pretend its okay

Even if it’s hard and your mind wanders in a rampant kind of way

She seemed so fragile; she could break any minute now

Her affections are set on death; her mind visits the cemetery often, every now and then

She eats regret for lunch, swallows so loud you can hear the struggle to push down disappointment down her throat

She knows that if she tells, ‘they’ will see she has no rose coloured heart; it’s just pitch black with all shades wrong

She married denial for so long

She loved him very much

 

I saw her today,

She thought that I wouldn’t see

Her bruised, purple coloured knuckles, they seemed weak like as though returned from a war

I gave a familiar hug; I could feel the anguish brewing down her chest

Her walk is never graceful; she is hurried to nowhere destinations like a nomad

Never abiding by any law

Disguise is her safe house; her heart will inevitably agree

She has learnt to go with the flow, to sneer at every “hi” contemptuously

She can tell I notice… I stare at her lies so accurately

She gets glued and appalled when she looks at me

 

So many thoughts and concerns, running through my mind’s gallery

I wonder if she can speak love, a language I know calms MY worry

 

I saw her today, slowly letting go of the hem of hope’s garment

Her perception is never close to that of Christ’s- it’s skew

But see, her cross-eyed perception will heal once directed to the cross

She can receive all benefits and grace even while hurt might brew

 

I saw her today,

The one who is dearly loved

She will be told of how fond Heaven is of her, even her depraved mind,

Including the half-and-half deals her heart connived

And every depressing and worthless thought, will be erased

All the lies created that skipped the auditions the heart had placed

No more invasions

Only love so great… all fear simply surrenders

 

I saw her today,

Determined to say goodbye to the cruel night

Her eyes so clear, crystal, they can see how beauty shines so bright

She now knows mom was right,

No need to disengage, there’s unconditional love always- it’s found in Christ

And those looking at you, all around can learn to do the same

Might not appear as matured, but its compelling and prescribed

Coz it’s drawn from all the reasons why Jesus came and died

To the Beast we call sin; He brings perfection with His Beauty- Be apprised

 

I saw her again,

… She smiled, convinced that all will be okay